In the previous section of the field guide, a photograph demonstrates the evasive technique of plugging the ears with the fingers whilst sneering in a disgusted manner. Techniques can range from subtle to downright violent. I suggest saving violence for only the most extreme situations. If the situation does necessitate the use of violence, you MUST make it appear accidental. The author of this guide does not condone violence unless you possess the skill to not get caught. Here are a few evasive techniques for avoiding the loud-mouthed schnook; the techniques are organized using the stages of grief. Be sure to study the pictures following the text in order to understand the maneuvers thoroughly.
1. Denial: This is fairly simple. You reason that he will have to shut up at some point. Mmm hmm. Let me know how that works out for you.
2. Anger: This can lead to passive-aggressive blogs, Tweets, texts, angry little gossiping chat groups in the parking lot, keying of cars, slashing of tires, pushing people down the stairs which have been conveniently sprinkled with marbles, dirty looks, and trying to stare down the culprit.
3. Bargaining: “Dear Lord, please let her choke on a chicken bone. Just a little chicken bone. Not enough to kill her – just enough to send her to the emergency room.” “Dear Lord, if you make them forego dessert and not linger over coffee, I will never wish bad things for anyone else ever again.” He knows you are lying. Shame on you.
4. Depression: Sleeping, hiding, crying, living in a helpless and defeated manner. You may lose the will to be a productive member of society.
5. Acceptance: He is never going to shut up. You may as well relax. Check your Facebook to see if anyone has liked your status since you checked it two minutes ago. Look at fellow victims and make faces to make one another snicker. Sleeping is acceptable at this stage as well.
If you have additional suggestions for evasive maneuvers, please either press the Leave a Comment button at the top right of this post or scroll to the bottom and leave your advice. Together we can beat this travesty.